Such a wonderful story!
Jan. 5th, 2006 11:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
The story of Oedipus
(Reduced version)
One day, a son was born to the king and queen of Thebes.
King Laios: ^_________^ Yay is us!
Queen Jocasta: ^_________^ Whoo-hoo!
They took their baby boy to an Oracle.
King Laios: ^________^ I'm sure he'll get a good future.
Queen Jocasta: ^_________^ No doubt!
Oracle: This kid is going to kill his dad and marry his mom and make babies with her, who in turn will live horrible, tragic lives. Have a nice day! ^____^
Both: ...WTF?!
Horrified by this, they pinned the baby's ankles together
King Laios: Think of butterflies, kid. *Chainsaw noises*
And gave him to a shepherd, telling him to leave the baby to die on a mountainside.
King Laios: *Gives baby* Here. Toss him somewhere.
Shepherd: ...Well, shit.
Sheep: O_o Baaah?
But, the shepherd took pity on the infant
Shepherd: You know, you're not such a bad-
Oedipus: *Pee*
Shepherd: MOTHER FU-RIGHT ON MY NEW ROBE! DX
Oedipus: *Gurgle?*
And gave him to the childless King and Queen of Corinth.
Shepherd: Aw, shi-I'll give you to the king and Queen. They need a brat like you.
Oedipus: *Gurgle?*
Queen of Corinth: O_O!!!! BABEH!
King of Corinth: ...Eh, whatever.
They gave him the name Oedipus and raised him as their son.
Queen of Corinth: ^______^ He needs a name.
King of Corinth: ....Eh, whatever.
Queen of Corinth: How about Oedipus?
King of Corinth: That name sucks. Let's go with it.
When Oedipus became a man
Oedipus: Woo-hoo! I finally got laid!
he learned of the Oracle's Prophecy.
Oedipus: ....HOLY OMGWTFBBQ?!
Believing the King and Queen of Corinth to be his real parents,
Oedipus: MOM! DAD! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!
Queen of Corinth: Well, I...uh...
King of Corinth: Eh, whatever.
Oedipus: ;______; I'M LEAVING!
He fled from his home.
Oedipus: *FLEE!*
In the Course of his lonely wandering,
Oedipus: *Singing* Wanderer....I'm a wanderer...I run around around around around...
He met with a arrogant old man who tried to run him over with a chariot.
Oedipus: *DEATH DEFY!*
Old man: Watch where you're going!
Oedipus: ME?! You should watch what you're doing!
Old man: INSOLENT YOUNGIN'! *THWACK!*
Oedipus: OW! WHY, YOU-!
Because honor was at stake, they fought.
Oedipus: My name is Oedipus Montoya. You tried to run me over. Prepare to die!
Old man: Bwah!
Oedipus killed the old man, and cheerfully went on his way.
Oedipus: I just killed someone!
*Pause*
Oedipus: ...COOL!
On the outskirts of Thebes, Oedipus met up with the Sphinx, a monster with the wings of an eagle, the body of a lion, and the head and boobs of a woman.
Sphinx: Rawr.
Oedipus: *Bliiiiink*
The Sphinx had been terrorizing Thebes by ambushing travelers going to the city and challenging them with riddles.
Sphinx: Why is a mouse when it spins?
Traveler: Whaa?
Sphinx: 'Whaa' is not the answer. Please try again. Or not.
If the traveler couldn't answer it correctly, the Sphinx had a delightful meal.
Sphinx: *Burp* Mm. Tastes like squid.
The Sphinx had many riddles, but the one it loved to use the most went like this: 'What creature goes on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?'
Sphinx: Anyone with a brain could figure it out. Luckily, they've all been brainless.
When the Sphinx asked Oedipus the riddle, he immediately guessed that the answer was man.
Oedipus: Duh.
Sphinx: ...Well, shit.
The Sphinx, defeated, tossed itself into the ocean
*SPLOOSH!*
Sphinx: Crap! Can't swim! Can't breathe! Can't-*Blurble*
And Thebes was saved.
People of Thebes: YAY!
Oedipus went into the city, where he was welcomed as a hero.
People: WEEE! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! *Mobs*
Oedipus: Agh! No! Don't! Stop! Ple-HEY, WHO JUST SLAPPED MY BUTT? *Is mobbed*
After the mobbing session,
Oedipus: *FLEE*
People: ;_; Come back!
Oedipus was offered widowed The Queen of Thebes, Jocasta
Jocasta: Hey there sexy~
Oedipus: ...Happy now. :D
and the throne to the kindom, as their king had recently died.
Person: Yeah, Old King Laios was killed while traveling to Corinth.
Oedipus: *No bells going off. None at all. No siree.*
So Oedipus became the king of Thebes, Married Jocasta, and had four children with her that weren't deformed.
Babies: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Jocasta: Ever get the feeling that something bad is going to happen soon, dear?
Oedipus: I used to, but I think it was just that goat I ate.
All went well for many years
Eteocles: Moooooom! Polyneices won't stop pinching me!
Polyneices: Tattle tale.
Ismene: I'm glad we don't fight like that, Antigone. More tea?
Antigone: Yes please! ^________^
Until a plague struck Thebes.
Oedipus: Well, shit.
People were dying and stuff. Desperate to learn the cause, Oedipus sent Creon, Jocasta's brother, to the Oracle at Delphi.
Oedipus: I choose you, Creon! Use your 'whiny brother-in-law' attack!
Creon:You'll get it one day, Oedipus, I swear you willYes, my lord.
The Oracle warned that the plague would not end until King Laios' killer was found, who lived in Thebes undetected.
Oracle:Beware the ides of march Go find King Laios' killer.
Creon: Will do!
Oracle:Beware the ides of march! Oh, and Creon?
Creon: Yees?
Oracle: BEWAAAAAAARE, BEWAAAAAAARE, THE IDES OF MAAAAAARCH... Don't let your pride and temper get the best of you.
Creon: *Bliiink*
Oracle: BEWARE THE EFFING IDES OF MARCH, DAMMIT! You'll understand later.
Oedipus vowed to save Thebes....AGAIN....by finding the killer.
Oedipus: *Singing* THIS TO YOU I SWEAAAAR!
Ismene: >< Mom, dad's singing again!
After questioning a few people, including the blind prophet Teiresias
Oedipus: Hey you! You seen a killer around here?
Person: Bwah?
Oedipus: Never mind! Hey you! You seen a killer around here?
Mountain goat: O__o Baaah?
Oedipus: Hey, yo-
Teiresias: You did it.
Oedipus: Bwah?
He found that the killer was none other than himself. The old man he had killed all those years ago was King Liaos.
Oedipus: WHAT?!
Furthermore, he found he was not the son of the King and Queen of Corinth,
Queen of Corinth: I wonder how Oedipus is doing...
King of Corinth: Eh, whatever.
But rather the son of Laios and Jocasta.
Oedipus: SHIT, I MARRIED MY MOM?!
Jocasta: SHIT, I MARRIED MY SON?!
Antigone, Eteocles, Polyneices, and Ismene: SHIT, WE'RE INBREDS?!
Hearing this horrible news, Jocasta killed herself and Oedipus gouged out his own eyes for being blind to the truth.
Jocasta: *DED*
Oedipus: *Blind*
Antigone, Eteocles, Polyneices, and Ismene: *Have to live with being inbreds*
Creon: *Oportunity!* :D
Creon took over as Regent, and decided to exile Oedipus.
Creon: Well, Brother-in-law/Nephew, time to go bye-bye!
Oedipus: I'm taking Antigone with me.
Oedipus wandered with Antigone as a beggar until he reached the sancuary of Colonus, where he died.
Oedipus: *DED*
Antigone: *Morn* ...Okay, time to go home!
Antigone returned, where her two brothers had agreed to rule in alternate years. Eteocles' turn came first, but when it was up, he refused to give it to Polyneices.
Eteocles: Lemme think....NO.
Polyneices: ...Well, shit.
Polyneices fled to the city of Argos, where he gathered up an army and attacked the seven gates of Thebes.
Polyneices: HAHA!
Eteocles: ...Well, shit.
The Thebans repulsed each assault
*POING!*
But during the course of the battle, both Eteocles and Polyneices were killed.
Eteocles and Polyneices: *DED*
Creon then became King of Thebes and gave Eteocles, his ally, a hero's burial, but decreed Polyneices would have no burial.
Creon: NO BURY!
Polyneices' body: *ROT*
Scavengers: ^_________^ Nummy!
This was a terrible punishment, for to the Greeks, if a body did not have a burial, the soul of the person would wander forever in limbo.
Polyneices's Ghost: ...well, shit.
Antigone thought this was wrong, and wanted to give him a burial.
Antigone: Creon's a bastard. Polyneices gets a burial.
But Creon decreed death upon all who tried it.
Creon: MURDER...BY DEATH.
But Antigone, being the hard-headed girl she is, did it anyway.
Antigone: *Cover body with dirt*
Soldiers: ...Well, shit.
Creon was NOT happy.
Creon: *ROAR/GROWL!*
Antigone was found out, and Creon sentenced her to death.
Creon: DEAD! DEAD IS YOU!
Antigone: Screw you too, uncle Creon.
Ismene, who had tried to stop Antigone, offered to share in death, but Antigone would have none of it.
Ismene: I will-
Antigone: NO.
Ismene: But, But-
Antigone: NO.
Haimon, Antigone's future husband, tried to reason with his father, but failed.
Haimon: Dad, would you-
Creon: NO.
Haimon: Antigone's only-
Creon: NO.
Haimon: The townspeople-
Creon: NO!
Haimon: Hate you too, dad.
Antigone was taken into a tomb and walled up,
Antigone: *Angst* You all suc-*Chink!*
And Teiresias tried reasoning with Creon.
Teiresias: Dude. DOOM! DEATH! MORNING!
Creon: ..Well, shit.
Creon immediately buried Polyneices
Creon: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, I forgot the rest, I gotta go vainly try to save my ass. *Flee!*
And went to the tomb where Antigone was.
Creon: *Runs up* HOLY CRAP OPEN IT NOW!
Soldiers: ...Buh?
Creon: DO YOU WANT TO GET PAID, BASTARDS?
Soldiers: !!! Yessir!
However, when he finally got in,
Soldiers: *Puuush* *Puuuuuuuuush* *STRAAAAAIN* *CRACK* ...ow.
Antigone had hanged herself, and Haimon was morning.
Antigone: *DED*
Haimon: Angst Angst angst woe-I HATE YOU DAD.
Haimon tried to kill Creon,
Haimon attacks!
But Creon jumped out of the way. Haimon then killed himself with his sword, angstlike.
Creon dodges!
Haimon used 'Emo Suicide!'
Haimon has died!
Creon gains 120 EXP!
Creon Leveled up!
Creon learned 'Angst and woe Lv2!'
Creon then went back home,
Creon: MY LIFE IS MISERY.
Only to find that his wife had commited Suicide.
Creon: *Vader scream* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Thus, Teiresias' prophecy came true.
Teiresias: I told joo, foo'. But you be disin'.
And Creon lived an angsty, emo woe filled life until he died.
The part of Creon will now be played by Torgo.
Creon: THis rOOM iS DaRk, BuT NOt As DArk As mY SOUL.
The end!
Ismene: Uh...Hello? You forget about me?
(Reduced version)
One day, a son was born to the king and queen of Thebes.
King Laios: ^_________^ Yay is us!
Queen Jocasta: ^_________^ Whoo-hoo!
They took their baby boy to an Oracle.
King Laios: ^________^ I'm sure he'll get a good future.
Queen Jocasta: ^_________^ No doubt!
Oracle: This kid is going to kill his dad and marry his mom and make babies with her, who in turn will live horrible, tragic lives. Have a nice day! ^____^
Both: ...WTF?!
Horrified by this, they pinned the baby's ankles together
King Laios: Think of butterflies, kid. *Chainsaw noises*
And gave him to a shepherd, telling him to leave the baby to die on a mountainside.
King Laios: *Gives baby* Here. Toss him somewhere.
Shepherd: ...Well, shit.
Sheep: O_o Baaah?
But, the shepherd took pity on the infant
Shepherd: You know, you're not such a bad-
Oedipus: *Pee*
Shepherd: MOTHER FU-RIGHT ON MY NEW ROBE! DX
Oedipus: *Gurgle?*
And gave him to the childless King and Queen of Corinth.
Shepherd: Aw, shi-I'll give you to the king and Queen. They need a brat like you.
Oedipus: *Gurgle?*
Queen of Corinth: O_O!!!! BABEH!
King of Corinth: ...Eh, whatever.
They gave him the name Oedipus and raised him as their son.
Queen of Corinth: ^______^ He needs a name.
King of Corinth: ....Eh, whatever.
Queen of Corinth: How about Oedipus?
King of Corinth: That name sucks. Let's go with it.
When Oedipus became a man
Oedipus: Woo-hoo! I finally got laid!
he learned of the Oracle's Prophecy.
Oedipus: ....HOLY OMGWTFBBQ?!
Believing the King and Queen of Corinth to be his real parents,
Oedipus: MOM! DAD! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!
Queen of Corinth: Well, I...uh...
King of Corinth: Eh, whatever.
Oedipus: ;______; I'M LEAVING!
He fled from his home.
Oedipus: *FLEE!*
In the Course of his lonely wandering,
Oedipus: *Singing* Wanderer....I'm a wanderer...I run around around around around...
He met with a arrogant old man who tried to run him over with a chariot.
Oedipus: *DEATH DEFY!*
Old man: Watch where you're going!
Oedipus: ME?! You should watch what you're doing!
Old man: INSOLENT YOUNGIN'! *THWACK!*
Oedipus: OW! WHY, YOU-!
Because honor was at stake, they fought.
Oedipus: My name is Oedipus Montoya. You tried to run me over. Prepare to die!
Old man: Bwah!
Oedipus killed the old man, and cheerfully went on his way.
Oedipus: I just killed someone!
*Pause*
Oedipus: ...COOL!
On the outskirts of Thebes, Oedipus met up with the Sphinx, a monster with the wings of an eagle, the body of a lion, and the head and boobs of a woman.
Sphinx: Rawr.
Oedipus: *Bliiiiink*
The Sphinx had been terrorizing Thebes by ambushing travelers going to the city and challenging them with riddles.
Sphinx: Why is a mouse when it spins?
Traveler: Whaa?
Sphinx: 'Whaa' is not the answer. Please try again. Or not.
If the traveler couldn't answer it correctly, the Sphinx had a delightful meal.
Sphinx: *Burp* Mm. Tastes like squid.
The Sphinx had many riddles, but the one it loved to use the most went like this: 'What creature goes on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?'
Sphinx: Anyone with a brain could figure it out. Luckily, they've all been brainless.
When the Sphinx asked Oedipus the riddle, he immediately guessed that the answer was man.
Oedipus: Duh.
Sphinx: ...Well, shit.
The Sphinx, defeated, tossed itself into the ocean
*SPLOOSH!*
Sphinx: Crap! Can't swim! Can't breathe! Can't-*Blurble*
And Thebes was saved.
People of Thebes: YAY!
Oedipus went into the city, where he was welcomed as a hero.
People: WEEE! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! *Mobs*
Oedipus: Agh! No! Don't! Stop! Ple-HEY, WHO JUST SLAPPED MY BUTT? *Is mobbed*
After the mobbing session,
Oedipus: *FLEE*
People: ;_; Come back!
Oedipus was offered widowed The Queen of Thebes, Jocasta
Jocasta: Hey there sexy~
Oedipus: ...Happy now. :D
and the throne to the kindom, as their king had recently died.
Person: Yeah, Old King Laios was killed while traveling to Corinth.
Oedipus: *No bells going off. None at all. No siree.*
So Oedipus became the king of Thebes, Married Jocasta, and had four children with her that weren't deformed.
Babies: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Jocasta: Ever get the feeling that something bad is going to happen soon, dear?
Oedipus: I used to, but I think it was just that goat I ate.
All went well for many years
Eteocles: Moooooom! Polyneices won't stop pinching me!
Polyneices: Tattle tale.
Ismene: I'm glad we don't fight like that, Antigone. More tea?
Antigone: Yes please! ^________^
Until a plague struck Thebes.
Oedipus: Well, shit.
People were dying and stuff. Desperate to learn the cause, Oedipus sent Creon, Jocasta's brother, to the Oracle at Delphi.
Oedipus: I choose you, Creon! Use your 'whiny brother-in-law' attack!
Creon:
The Oracle warned that the plague would not end until King Laios' killer was found, who lived in Thebes undetected.
Oracle:
Creon: Will do!
Oracle:
Creon: Yees?
Oracle:
Creon: *Bliiink*
Oracle:
Oedipus vowed to save Thebes....AGAIN....by finding the killer.
Oedipus: *Singing* THIS TO YOU I SWEAAAAR!
Ismene: >< Mom, dad's singing again!
After questioning a few people, including the blind prophet Teiresias
Oedipus: Hey you! You seen a killer around here?
Person: Bwah?
Oedipus: Never mind! Hey you! You seen a killer around here?
Mountain goat: O__o Baaah?
Oedipus: Hey, yo-
Teiresias: You did it.
Oedipus: Bwah?
He found that the killer was none other than himself. The old man he had killed all those years ago was King Liaos.
Oedipus: WHAT?!
Furthermore, he found he was not the son of the King and Queen of Corinth,
Queen of Corinth: I wonder how Oedipus is doing...
King of Corinth: Eh, whatever.
But rather the son of Laios and Jocasta.
Oedipus: SHIT, I MARRIED MY MOM?!
Jocasta: SHIT, I MARRIED MY SON?!
Antigone, Eteocles, Polyneices, and Ismene: SHIT, WE'RE INBREDS?!
Hearing this horrible news, Jocasta killed herself and Oedipus gouged out his own eyes for being blind to the truth.
Jocasta: *DED*
Oedipus: *Blind*
Antigone, Eteocles, Polyneices, and Ismene: *Have to live with being inbreds*
Creon: *Oportunity!* :D
Creon took over as Regent, and decided to exile Oedipus.
Creon: Well, Brother-in-law/Nephew, time to go bye-bye!
Oedipus: I'm taking Antigone with me.
Oedipus wandered with Antigone as a beggar until he reached the sancuary of Colonus, where he died.
Oedipus: *DED*
Antigone: *Morn* ...Okay, time to go home!
Antigone returned, where her two brothers had agreed to rule in alternate years. Eteocles' turn came first, but when it was up, he refused to give it to Polyneices.
Eteocles: Lemme think....NO.
Polyneices: ...Well, shit.
Polyneices fled to the city of Argos, where he gathered up an army and attacked the seven gates of Thebes.
Polyneices: HAHA!
Eteocles: ...Well, shit.
The Thebans repulsed each assault
*POING!*
But during the course of the battle, both Eteocles and Polyneices were killed.
Eteocles and Polyneices: *DED*
Creon then became King of Thebes and gave Eteocles, his ally, a hero's burial, but decreed Polyneices would have no burial.
Creon: NO BURY!
Polyneices' body: *ROT*
Scavengers: ^_________^ Nummy!
This was a terrible punishment, for to the Greeks, if a body did not have a burial, the soul of the person would wander forever in limbo.
Polyneices's Ghost: ...well, shit.
Antigone thought this was wrong, and wanted to give him a burial.
Antigone: Creon's a bastard. Polyneices gets a burial.
But Creon decreed death upon all who tried it.
Creon: MURDER...BY DEATH.
But Antigone, being the hard-headed girl she is, did it anyway.
Antigone: *Cover body with dirt*
Soldiers: ...Well, shit.
Creon was NOT happy.
Creon: *ROAR/GROWL!*
Antigone was found out, and Creon sentenced her to death.
Creon: DEAD! DEAD IS YOU!
Antigone: Screw you too, uncle Creon.
Ismene, who had tried to stop Antigone, offered to share in death, but Antigone would have none of it.
Ismene: I will-
Antigone: NO.
Ismene: But, But-
Antigone: NO.
Haimon, Antigone's future husband, tried to reason with his father, but failed.
Haimon: Dad, would you-
Creon: NO.
Haimon: Antigone's only-
Creon: NO.
Haimon: The townspeople-
Creon: NO!
Haimon: Hate you too, dad.
Antigone was taken into a tomb and walled up,
Antigone: *Angst* You all suc-*Chink!*
And Teiresias tried reasoning with Creon.
Teiresias: Dude. DOOM! DEATH! MORNING!
Creon: ..Well, shit.
Creon immediately buried Polyneices
Creon: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, I forgot the rest, I gotta go vainly try to save my ass. *Flee!*
And went to the tomb where Antigone was.
Creon: *Runs up* HOLY CRAP OPEN IT NOW!
Soldiers: ...Buh?
Creon: DO YOU WANT TO GET PAID, BASTARDS?
Soldiers: !!! Yessir!
However, when he finally got in,
Soldiers: *Puuush* *Puuuuuuuuush* *STRAAAAAIN* *CRACK* ...ow.
Antigone had hanged herself, and Haimon was morning.
Antigone: *DED*
Haimon: Angst Angst angst woe-I HATE YOU DAD.
Haimon tried to kill Creon,
Haimon attacks!
But Creon jumped out of the way. Haimon then killed himself with his sword, angstlike.
Creon dodges!
Haimon used 'Emo Suicide!'
Haimon has died!
Creon gains 120 EXP!
Creon Leveled up!
Creon learned 'Angst and woe Lv2!'
Creon then went back home,
Creon: MY LIFE IS MISERY.
Only to find that his wife had commited Suicide.
Creon: *Vader scream* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Thus, Teiresias' prophecy came true.
Teiresias: I told joo, foo'. But you be disin'.
And Creon lived an angsty, emo woe filled life until he died.
The part of Creon will now be played by Torgo.
Creon: THis rOOM iS DaRk, BuT NOt As DArk As mY SOUL.
The end!
Ismene: Uh...Hello? You forget about me?